Gym Etiquette: An Inner Monologue

DISCLAIMER: This is meant to be snarky. I'm not actually a rude person. Promise.

Okay, elliptical, it's you and me for the next 45 minutes. Or maybe 40, depending on how long my knee can hold up. Stretch first. Remember to stretch when you're done. Calves, quads, hamstrings, shoulders. You won't be so sore tomorrow.

How many other people are here? This is a small gym, can't possibly hold too many people. Okay there's a dude on a treadmill, and a guy next to me here, whose music is way too loud. Dear Lord, bro, can your ears still function properly?

Rule 1: If I can hear your music over my own (and/or across the gym), it's too loud. I don't want to hear your music as much as you don't want to hear mine. Turn it down a notch or five.

Oh, there's a guy over there by the weights. I hope he isn't a showoff. Guys who show off in the gym are seriously missing something in some other area of their lives. Also, I must be the only female in the world who doesn't find guys in muscle shirts attractive, unless he's Rafael Nadal or Juan Martin del Potro.

Start your workout. Start slowly and work your way up. Don't jump headfirst into something too intense; that's probably how you messed up your knee in the first place. Okay that's a good pace for now. I'll up the resistance later if I want. Now to find a good song...oh perfect, there's Kanye. I still can't decide if I love or hate Kevin and Danny for getting me hooked on Kanye. That'll be determined once I work through more of his albums. But for now, "Stronger" makes a great elliptical song.

N-now th-th-that don't kill me can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now, 'cause I can't wait much longer 

All right, Kanye, I can get behind you.  But not if you grunt like that...wait, that's not in the music. That's Weights Dude.  My God, he's grunting so loudly that I can hear him over my music.  That's almost as bad as hearing someone else's music.  And not only is he grunting, he's counting his squats. I understand the need to exhale and keep track of your reps, but no one is impressed with how many squats you can do while holding a dumbbell. Also, heavily breathing and grunting and flexing your muscles when you're finished with that circuit is not attractive or manly. I'm sure the mirror is impressed, but the rest of us are not.

Rule 2: It's okay to breathe and exhale when you're working out--actually it's encouraged. But don't be obnoxious about it. Everyone wants to exercise in peace. Let us. Don't call attention to yourself and break our concentration. 

Good, Weights Dude has calmed down now. Back to my elliptical. Oh, looks like I have company on the bicycle next to me. Cool. Except she doesn't look like she came here to work out. Who puts on makeup and fixes her hair in the perfectly poofy ponytail and coordinates the perfect matching Nike shorts and cut-up t-shirt and sports bra just to get sweaty? This is the gym, not a runway. You're supposed to get sweaty and gross. If your mascara isn't running, you aren't actually working out.

Rule 3: Don't be a gym bunny.

...and five, four, three, two, and done. That was a lovely 45 minutes. I should stretch and do some ab work before I go home. Don't forget to wipe the machine off. You wouldn't want someone else to leave his sweaty germs behind, so don't leave yours behind. It is cold/flu/allergies season, after all, and the gym is one of the worst places to pick up a bug. Do your part and wipe it clean.

Rule 4: Always clean/sanitize the equipment when you're done using it.

Then stretch. Then go home. Then come back tomorrow.